Mike kissed me awake this morning. I startled awake a scratched his kiss off (his whiskers tickle). He steps back and says, "Well you're no Disney princess". 

Mike: It seems as though all of my extra stresses and demands are spilling over and becoming your stresses and demands. 

Me: Ya think?!?

While taking a shower my husband comes into the bathroom and sits down to poop. 

Me: you know, there are 2 other bathrooms in this house, why don't you go stink up one of those?

Mike: there's no one to talk to in the other bathrooms. 

The wife of our back door neighbor has moved out. The last time we talked to her she mentioned that her husband was at a bachelor party in Vegas for the week. Suspicious, right? 

Fast forward a few months and I ask mike to close the back curtains because I don't want the people back there able to look into our house at night. Mike says, "maybe it's good for him to see how to treat a wife." 

Mike: your glasses are really bent out of shape!

Me: yes. The kids got to them. But surprisingly, they fit on my face just fine. 

Mike: so your face is crooked?