Me: Why is it called "baby oil"? You find it in the baby isle, but I've never known anyone to use it on a baby. What is it used for?

Mike: If you rub your wife's back with it, you get to make babies. :)

Me: what do you think of this hair color? (Showing him a pic from Pinterest)
Mike: I don't know. 
Me: What do you think of it?
Mike: It's striped? (highlights)
Me: But do you like it?
Mike: What answer do I have to give for this conversation to be over?

Do I have a dry sense of humor or am I just annoying?

Mike: I'll talk to you in a few days when you are ready to be reasonable. 

Mike: with all this stress you are under, I'm surprised you're not falling apart. ;)

Me: don't worry. I'm going to fall apart. On second though, be worried. 

Mike shows me his year-end review from work. It's fantastic.
Me: Congratulations, Mike. You managed to have an awesome year at work, all while being a steller husband and father; and Elder Quorum President.
Mike: Uh, I don't think I was a stellar Elders Quorum President.
Me: Oh, there was a semi-colin in that statement. ...a stellar husband and father (pause) and an elders quorum president.

Getting into bed at night:

Me: I forgot to lock the back door when we went out for dinner tonight. 

Mike: Well, the computer is still here...

Me: There is a bad guy hiding somewhere in the house. 

Mike: Really?

Me: Yes, he is hiding in the closet of the playroom upstairs.

Mike: No, Robin.

Me: He's waiting for us to fall asleep...

Mike: Why do you do this to yourself. Now you won't be able to sleep. 

So then Mike got out of bed, climbed 2 flights of stairs and checked to see if there was a bad guy in the playroom closet. 

Mike: Mmm You smell good.  Like a combination of shampoo and bacon!

Me: (sad) My babies are growing up!
Mike: Look at the bright side. They grow up and move out, then it will just be us!!!

Mike: DALLIN NOOOOOO!!!!  Uh, Robin, Don't come in here.

Me: Even after a hellish night with Levi, one look into his eyes in the morning and all is forgotten.
Mike: I'm still holding a grudge.